Current Mood: Cynical

After my recent post about still masturbating, fantasizing and thinking about my past loves and sharing the email I received from one of the dominant men from my past entitled the one that got away I have received several emails from readers sharing their comments on the post. I wish they would comment on the website itself, but hey I realize not everyone is comfortable with that. So with the permission of one of the men that wrote me I am going to share his little confession:

I just wanted to write a note about your ex’s letter. I could relate in so many ways. In College I dated a girl who along with teaching me many things was very submissive. At the time I am not sure I even realized it, or for that matter what drew us together, but in retrospect it is quite obvious and I think the reasons we broke up are very similar to yours.

I was still finding myself and my comfort level in what we were doing. I just felt the need to pass this along.

This also got me thinking, it really took me a while to become comfortable saying that “I am the dominate” in any relationship. That is weird because it is so obvious that I am. It is also weird because while the girls I dated were all definitely submissive to me, you would not generally think them to be submissive in the normal sense. They have all been at the top for whatever it is they have chosen to do (work, school, etc) and often times have control over nearly everyone around them.

Well except me. In fact some of them would vehemently deny ever being less than an equal power in the relationship, but still ask permission to do things, go with friends, even keep the purchases they made while shopping that day…. very interesting all around.

Not sure why I am compelled to tell you all of this, but I am. I guess it is nice to talk with someone who so openly admits her likes and dislikes and takes her power from having none. – written in by Nolan

First of all thank you Nolan, because whether you know it or not your email brings out a whole new confession. The truth is sometimes I hate myself for being a submissive woman. Most days I bask in the glory of who and what I am and take pride in the fact that I and be open, honest and forthright about it. Most days I rejoice in the fact that like you mentioned, I take my power from having none. However there are those days when you realize that having a serious relationship with someone in today’s society is exceptionally hard. I read somewhere recently that the annual divorce rate is 37% per capita - the sick thing about that is you figure there are two people involved in a divorce so if you double it that means that 74% of the nations population gets divorced every year. Now from the way I look at things, and from what Nolan and my Ex have talked about, you figure that a normal relationship has maybe a 50/50 chance of surviving in this day in age. Now you add an M/s, D/s or 24/7 Total Power Exchange aspect to that relationship and you’ve made the likelihood of that relationship withstanding the test of time far less that 50%. It is sickening really, from the standpoint of someone who wants and craves this type of relationship.

So what’s my confession for today? I absolutely hate who I am and what I need sometimes. Some days I wish I didn’t need someone to have so much control over me. Some days I wish I did not need someone that could handle sex three times and day and feed the starving nymphomaniac in me. Some days I wish I was one of those women that could handle being a man’s equal on a regular basis and that I did not thrive on the exchange of power between two people. There are some days I wish I didn’t feel starved and deprived if I am not allowed to suck cock or swallow cum for an entire day. There are times I wish that I didn’t need the discipline, structure, guidance and demands of a dominant man in my life. There are sometimes I even wish that turning the cards and switching the dynamics around so that I’m the dominant one and someone else is the submissive one was not just a game that I can play sometimes, but was something I could really be, all the time.

I remember reading a post once on a message board by a Man that subscribed to what is known online as the ‘Gorean Lifestyle’ – which in and of itself could make an interesting discussion some day. However, the Man said something along the line of – finding a woman that truly surrenders and is a real slave is a rare thing. Most women have submissive tendencies, but they are not slave girls. One cannot try to be a slave, she either is or she is not. It is who she is, not what she wishes to be.

I found the whole thing to be so perplexingly true. I confess if I could change who I am and change the fact that I thrive on the dominance, control and power a man has over me and not need whips, chains, bruises, twisted role-play scenarios or being treated like a puppy to satisfy me sexually, I would do it. I would do it in a heart beat in order to make being in a relationship with someone like my ex easier.

The truth of the matter is I can’t though, and so instead I’ll be satisfied to just be a sexual promiscuous little slut that thrives on the dirty, naughty, perverse and deviant sexscapades that I enjoy with others and live my life as the dirty girl I am, relishing in dirty, raunchy and naughty sexual experiences I share with the men in my life and on my phone line. In the end it’s not too bad… I mean what more could a girl ask for then all kinds of men that secretly love and adore her for being the brazen dirty hussy that she is? It’s a good life. So while there are some days I hate myself for being cursed with the fact that I cannot help that I am a submissive woman, most days I cherish the fact that somewhere along the line, I was blessed with being the dirtiest girl in the world.

On a side note and as an additional confession, a talk I had with Nolan after he sent his email has me fantasizing tonight about a role play that involves Alex and Mallory Keaton off that old TV show Family Ties. Is there anyone else that finds that as sexual perverse as I do? Damn I’m a dirty girl… but you know what I say. Good girls don’t and bad girls do – but dirty girls do EVERYTHING!